All that I have
by thejessicalynn
Summary: Told through Sawyer's POV, set after Lockdown Season 2. Sawyer reflects on his feelings towards Jack and recalls a steamy encounter in the hatch and it's consequences. Jawyer JackSawyer Please read and review.


Title: "All that I have"

Fandom: LOST

Pairing: Sawyer/Jack

Rating: MA

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, and am in no way affiliated with the writers of Lost or with ABC. So don't sue.

A/N: This is my first LOST fic so be gentle. ;) Enjoy!

**"All that** **I have"**

**by: make me shiny **

So there we were, being burned together under the overly skeptical gazes and inevitable scrutiny of the more curious members of the island. Well what did we expect? Or more accurately what did I expect when I invited you to play? I wasn't even looking at them and I could feel the amusement and damn near shock radiating from them. At first it had been a few people gathered around the makeshift table we were playing on, but they soon took their leave after their chips had run out leaving just the two of us. Even after they left, the wisecracks continued along with the banter that I like to lace with that sarcastic hostility I always aim at you. I guess I forget to retract my claws sometimes. But when you lead the kind of life I live…lived. I don't know whether to put it in the past or present tense now. I guess it all depends on whether or not I'm feeling optimistic that day. It's just habit mixed with that survival instinct we're all tapping into these days.

Hand and hand again I watched you beat me, over and over again. That little smile of yours kept creeping onto your face every hand you took me for. But even though you were getting the best of me, not once did you call me on it; at least not for your own satisfaction. I guess that makes you a better person than me. Surprise, surprise right? Maybe that's why I hate you like I do. Because I could never be even half of the kind of person you are. Of course I'd never tell you that, but part of me wonders if you don't already know. In the end you won; took all I had. Well, who in the world would have guessed that the good doctor was a regular card shark? You're lucky it amused me, or I might have had to kill you for making me look like a fool. At least that was the way my mind had played it out in those moments. I was so pissed off at you for beating me. But at the same time…Christ…I don't know. That's another thing I hate about you. I can never get a grip on my own thoughts when you're around. Every single time we talk, it's like something inside me is clashing against something else. It's been slowly driving me insane since we found ourselves on this little vacation in Island Town courtesy of Oceanic Airlines.

I agreed to give you the medicine, because that's what we were playing for. You won it fair and square. Looking back on it now, I can't believe I put the meds on the betting table just to keep you playing. I still can't figure out what the hell came over me that day. But for some reason, I didn't want you to leave. So I just kept upping the stakes to keep you there. Don't ask me what that means. Because I have no idea.

Three days passed after our little poker marathon and you still hadn't come for the medication you won. Were you too busy playing the role of island hero to stop by for them, or did you just feel sorry for me? I remember sitting outside my tent smoking cigarette after cigarette really hoping for your sake that it was the former because I don't need your damn pity.

Finally, I decided to take the meds to you. Locke didn't seem too happy with me when I talked to him about taking over his shift. He gave me a nice interrogation as to what my motives were. He's still sore about me taking his guns I think., but those are the breaks. Finally, after I answered all the riddles he threw at me he agreed to let me take his shift and insisted that he had something to take care of anyway. Lucky me. I don't know why I didn't just drop off the meds and be on my way. No, I had to pick up an entire shift of button duty. Sometimes, these things I do, make no sense to me until after they're already over. I picked up the shift so that we could talk, like all the idle chit chat we had playing cards hadn't been enough. I swear, sometimes you're like a damn drug, and yeah I hate you for that too.

The conversation we had when I finally ran into you in the hatch was amusing to say the very least. And when I say I ran into you, well that of course was literally as I'm sure you'd remember. The second we hit, you got a kind of scared look about you and tried to push me back. Once you figured out it was me though, you seemed to settle down which made me laugh a little. I figured you'd get even more uppity at that little tidbit of information.

"Woah there Doc." I remember saying as you fought to get away from me, and you relaxed just before your let out a breath and dropped your arms.

"What do you want Sawyer?" You asked as you looked up at me seeming either unsettled, or just annoyed. There was a definite apprehension radiating off of you at that point, so I glanced away and pushed past you.

"Just punchin' in for my nine to five." I told you, making sure to put that smirk of mine on just for you. I took a seat on the couch and settled my arms over the back of it as I stared up at you, smirk still in place. I watched as you're face scrunched up into a state of confusion and your brows furrowed just before you shifted your stance to face me, hands on your hips.

"You're what?" You were already blinking with blatant irritation. It is always such a bonus when I can piss you off without even trying. "Where's Locke?" You questioned me taking a step forward like it was going to intimidate me into telling you or something. I had already pulled my lighter out of my pocket and was toying with it, not looking at you anymore as I tapped it against my fingers and opened and closed the top of it stalling for a minute just to annoy you further.

"Locke said he had some things to take care of, so I offered to be … nice." I said the word after a pause, and tried to make it seem as though it left a bitter taste in my mouth. "….and took his shift. So, looks like we're partners for the next six hours Doc." I tried to read your expression after that, but it was no use you had already turned away.

"Fine whatever…just, sit there and don't make any noise." You said moving over to sit in the arm chair across from the couch and picked up a magazine flipping it open. I had to snort at that. I couldn't help it, and of course my mouth didn't stay shut.

"Whatsa matter there Jack-o? Your good will towards men run out after our little poker session?" I asked with a smirk at first, but I remember becoming serious after a few moments and glancing down. Maybe I was pissed that our little bit of civility towards each other had run out on both ends. That was both of our faults, but…wasn't it more comfortable that way? I know that it's definitely easier to hate you than the alternative.

"Sawyer…please…not today." Was your response as you leaned back against the chair, placed the magazine in your lap, and closed your eyes with a sigh. I'll admit that that threw me off balance a bit. You seemed so strung out. I held up my hands in surrender and settled back against the couch watching you as my hand slipped inside my coat pocket and pulled out one of the pill bottles. I shook it gently, and just as I had hoped you opened your eyes then. Within a second I had sent the pill bottle flying over the coffee table between us, and hit you in the shoulder with it. It hadn't been hard enough to hurt you, that for once wasn't what I had wanted to do.

"Bulls eye." I told you, looking rather proud of myself if I remember correctly. "Got the rest of your winnings right here." I said to you as I shook my coat just a little so that the pills rattled around in their respective containers inside of my pocket. "You want the rest?" I questioned you with raised eyebrows.

"Well are you going to throw them at me?" You had questioned right back. I could tell you were trying to stay annoyed, but I caught that little ghost of a smile on your lips, just like when we had sat down together and you had kicked my ass at cards.

"That would be the plan." I teased you then. Sometimes I couldn't help being almost playful towards you. When you smiled, it made it so easy to just jump right in to being someone a little different, and a lot less guarded. If it was up to the other side of me, I would have tossed the damn bottles at your head and not been nice let alone playful about it at all. And thus my dilemma. Around you , sometimes, I switch to a side of me I thought died a long time ago. I lifted another bottle out of my coat and shook it at you, to which you immediately held up a hand but broke into a full grin.

"Don't." You had insisted, your tone was laced with a hint of laughter in it. Unfortunately for you, one hand held out in front of you and a half ass order wasn't going to save you that time. I had already tossed the bottle at you. You knocked it away and stood, still with that damn smile. I can't get it out of my head no matter how hard I try. It's irritating, but at the same time, intoxicating.

"Don't?" I asked laughing a little myself now against my better judgment. "Don't what?" I asked and stood as well. My tone had gotten considerably lower. I made my way towards you then; third pill bottle already ready to chuck at you when the moment was right. I still remember the way your hands felt as you grabbed my wrists trying to pull the one that held the pill bottle down so that you could wrench it out of my fingers. "Don't what huh?" I repeated to you still trying half heartedly to keep the pill bottle from you. We were both smiling then, and you were so close. I could smell that you were freshly showered and the smell of shampoo mix with the scent of you was overpowering.

"Sawyer come ON." You had insisted then. You weren't mad. No, we were still playing. But I had begun to feel light headed at that point, and before I realized what was going on the pill bottle had dropped and my hands were on your hips. The last remnants of your laugh and smile hung onto your features for only a minute as I pulled you closer. That had been when your expression became as serious as mine had been for a while. Your hands were on my chest for lack of a better place to put them, and I doubted you knew what was going on in that moment. Hell, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that we had been coming up on this point for a long time now. You didn't say anything as I pressed my forehead against yours. I could feel your breath quicken though, the heat of it had beat perfectly against my own lips .

"I'm sorry." Was all I could say before my lips were pressed heatedly against yours. There was a sound of surprise from your end, and I felt you tense, but only for a second. After that you relaxed in my arms, and I remember taking that opportunity to wrap my arms fully around your slender waist. When it felt like we had reached a point that was as comfortable as we were going to get, that's when I nudged your mouth open gently and slipped my tongue inside to taste you for the first time. With our chests were pressed together that way, I could feel your heartbeat against me. It was one of the most soothing things I had ever felt. The heat between us rose quickly, and our lips and tongues had started to battle for dominance. That was to be expected though because it was true to both of our natures. Finally I regained control of the kiss, and after that point you seemed more than willing to submit. After a moment we pulled back for some much needed air.

"Sawyer, there's…" You had started. Your breath was ragged, and your eyes looked clouded over. I could hear the doubt in your voice that I don't think the rest of your body had picked up on just yet.

"Shut up." I remember insisting to you just before I crashed my lips against yours and began walking backwards towards the couch. Once I had felt my calves hit the sofa I allowed myself to sit. I still hadn't let go of your hips. They just…felt right beneath my hands. I tugged at you then and you fell forward gently and placed a hand on the back of the couch next to my head, your right knee over to the left of my legs. With a smirk I pulled you closer so that you were straddling my hips. I could feel your hardness pressing against my stomach through your jeans and my shirt. That almost knocked me off the merry-go-round of lust and unresolved sexual tension we had found ourselves stuck on just because it wasn't familiar to me. Never in my life had I even thought of doing something with another guy, before you of all people.

That time it was you who pressed your fore head against mine and stole a kiss from me. Yours was a lot more gentle than mine had been, and I tried to match the feel of your lips on mine. I could feel the heat between us begin to rise again, and was sure that you could feel just how much it had affected me. I groaned against your mouth as my jeans tightened and my fingers trailed just under the hem of your shirt to play over the soft heated flesh there. I remember silently damning myself when my fingers trailed to the button of your jeans, and undid it single handedly, then your zipper. I don't know what the hell had gotten into me, but you had chose that exact moment to detach your lips from mine and move them over to my ear. Your kiss heated lips pressed against my ear, and your breathing was so heavy and ragged. I don't think I could ever remember being more turned on in my life.

I couldn't help it as I grabbed your hips tighter and ground upwards against you needing some friction to ease the pain as I removed your erection from your jeans. You were already hard in my hand, and I did that to you. I remember the groan that you let out into my ear as I tightened my grip around you and began to move my hand up and down your length. The sound was so…deep and primal, and it let me know I was doing something right.

"Like that?" I remember asking you as I picked up a little speed. I wasn't against letting you know that I had no idea what I was doing in this case. If I could have pulled it off, I might have tried to make you think this was just because you needed me to and nothing else; that I was just being charitable. Unfortunately by that point it was too late for such mind games.

"Yes…God, Sawyer…" You panted out against my ear and pressed yourself against me further heating my already overheated flesh underneath my shirt. The power that I felt at that point was overwhelming. I had you right where I wanted you, rocking your hips up into my hand practically begging me for it. I was at my highest moment. I could feel the tension in your body. It had been a while by my guess, because your breathing pattern and your moans had already gotten to the point of desperation.

"Any time you're ready Doc…" I assured you then and pressed my lips against your neck and sucked at the warm flesh there claiming what was mine. That was when I felt your muscles tighten, and then came the warm liquid on my hand. Your moans were some of the most beautiful things I had ever heard and I could have sworn I heard my name mixed in with them. You had fallen against me after it was all over panting and shaking just a little with your chin on my shoulder, and that was how we stayed for a few minutes. Nothing was said. Nothing needed to be said. But like all moments, ours had to break sometime.

I watched as you pulled yourself back and off of me. You were obviously shaken by the whole thing. I watched as you tucked yourself back into your pants apprehensively. I got up and made my way into the kitchen leaving you to your thoughts as I washed your juices from my hand. The water scalded my hand, almost as if it were punishing me for what I had just done to you. I hissed gently and you cleared your throat while you straightened your clothes out.

"I need to go check on something." You told me after a few minutes. You weren't looking at me now and that was fine by me. "I should be back soon." You said before shooting me one last look and made your way out of the hatch. When Hurley showed up twenty minutes later for button duty I knew you weren't coming back and that was fine. I know I crossed a line doing what I did.

It's been a week now and we still haven't spoken friendly or otherwise. It's better this way. This way neither of us can slip up and stumble over the line again. The line was drawn the first time we spoke, and was never meant to be crossed. It was my mistake, along with my rules were meant to be broken attitude that led us to where we are now, and I won't apologize for what I did. This is just another sin to add to my ever growing list. No matter what the outcome or circumstance, I will never apologize for my sins.

Why?

Because my sins are all that I have.


End file.
